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Hallway Whispers

by Outside Your House

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If you buy 'Hallway Whispers' as a download here, we'll donate what you pay to CALM - Campaign Against Living Miserably. CALM exists to prevent male suicide in the UK.

In 2014, male suicide accounts for 76% of all suicides and is the single biggest cause of death in men under 45 in the UK.

Read more about their work here or donate direct at ... Cheers!

Oh, and there's a video here too


Never leave your house
on Christmas day
open all your presents
by eight-thirty

Noel Edmunds tops the telecom tower
happiness in my skeleton
devour the plastic-chocolate advent
a day late

This pageant absents my mind to fragments
blink and I’m back in midnight mass
seeing your mum to avoid a fistfight

Though I’m agnostic
entranced by the neo-gothic,
mull the disappointment of realised dreams
like those Box of Delights DVDs

Or the crestfall from a peak at presents in parents’ wardrobes,
weeks before the rip and tear
the crossed arms crackers,
steamed-up windows and
board game agro

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight

The rich and distinct smells of
grandparents’ houses
especially the stairway carpets

Non-uniform last days when you get no work done,
chewed up gremlins;
VHS malfunction

Pine toilet disinfectant that triggers a Madeline-like-rush
to the hush
disturbed by a drunk dad
playing Father Christmas,
Hallway whispers.

Crying though a nativity play
when have a staring role
I did sing “frankincense”, not “Frankenstein”
I lost my paper lantern and made a pantomime

Christmas with the Ceiling Demons

I’m a George without a Clarence

I’m Kevin at home without his parents

Despite the presence of the late Phil Hartman
Jingle All the Way is a worse film than
anything, that I’ve ever seen
including Spy Hard or Movie 43
It’s Christmas day so give me a mystery
With Carey Grant, James Stewart or Hepburn, Audrey

Although I’ve been eating for 4 hours
there’s some stilton, sprouts and nut roast
I can fry up
With port and my new book I’ll be up way passed 1 o’clock


released December 11, 2014
Words - Faithful Johannes
Music - Jonathan Swift



all rights reserved


Outside Your House UK

Outside Your House are a two man operation.

Faithful Johannes is part spoken word poet, part folk singer, part laid-back rapper with an eye for detail.

Sweet-singing Jonathan Swift‘s musical scrapbook of vinyl samples, live instruments and cut-up beats delivers the pop backdrop.

The melancholy of brass bands, chest pains, beer-offs, weight gain & David Attenborough
... more

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